5/15/2010 -- Click here
5/14/2010 -- Click here
5/13/2010 -- Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I!
And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe
it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
5/12/2010 -- To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars..... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with
that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For
Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have
To Let One Of You Go.'
5/11/2010 -- SKIPPING CHURCH
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realising it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say
Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to
a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just
short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do
that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
5/10/2010 -- The Hospital...
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the
operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was
four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was
born...
Couldn't walk for a year....
5/9/2010 -- Why I like retirement
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to
store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the
people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know.
I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
There is no better time to be happy than... NOW
5/8/2010 -- THE COWBOY
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out
in South Dakota ,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his
face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago…......'
5/7/2010 --RED SKELTON'S RECIPE :
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-
mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way,
his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one
liner's' from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle
or two reading them once more.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and
companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four
letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,
"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
5/6/2010 -- RETIREMENT
If you are planning retirement, let me share retirement experiences with you,
which I hope will be helpful:
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's
Southeast coast - The Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on
Lake Fake-A-Hatchee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do
all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be
eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes.
Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out
line in and one hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick
breakfast and join the early morning 'Walk and Talk Club.' There are about 30 of us,
and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development
has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate
drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next
activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilateas class, followed by
gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my, 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt,
my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby
for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to partake of the many tasty samples
dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have
any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white
belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for
the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 PM, because we're late eaters.
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take
home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread,
crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints..
At 5:30 PM we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 PM we're fast
asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night, and
it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old
magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for
test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting
through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected
to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes
off to lunch.
Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding
opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of
seniors under five feet tall and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The
Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic
Avengers.
The hoop is only 4.5 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on
their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them,
because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods
they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they
parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian
names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication
and wealth. Where would you rather live? Murray's Condos or The Lakes Of
Venice? There's no difference. They're both owned by Murray, who happens to be
a cheapskate.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any
further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . I live in The Leaning
Condos of Pisa on Boynton Beach.
5/5/2010 -- Moms wisdom
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me.."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: 25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
Walking the dog
5/4/2010 -- 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around
the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go
now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! ! )
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog
is pushing her home.'
If you ain't laffin'... You ain't livin'
5/3/2010 -- Praying for Leroy..
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the
Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you
want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of
Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy; the
whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
5/2/2010 -- Subject: The doctor says.....
A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are
way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of
Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
5/1/2010 -- MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.. The turbulence is
awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One
woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make
me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all
stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time........
No one moves...................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles rippled across his chest..........
She gasps....................
He whispers in her ear................
Iron this....then get me a beer.'
4/30/2010 -- Little Firefighter
If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little
girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The
wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck,” the
firefighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's Testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter said, “I don't want to tell you how
To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren.”
4/29/2010 -- GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
4/22/2010 -- Indian Wanting Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another
male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear
for rest of day."
4/21/2010 -- Windex tips
New use for Windex I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, You should sniff
some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.
Have a Great Day!
4/20/2010 -- Subject: HELL TO GET OLD...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but
notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
4/19/2010 -- For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or
wish we weren't married—or never gave it much thought, this is something to smile
about the next time you see a bottle of wine.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she
saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo
woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my
husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder, she said...
'Good trade.'
4/18/2010 -- An elderly couple walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic for a
checkup and spotted a piano . They've been married for 62 years and he'll be 90
this year .
Check out this impromptu performance It's all attitude . Enjoy!! Click on link below:
impromptu performance
4/17/2010 DEAR DEAF WIFE.....
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss
the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
" Chicken , Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
4/16/2010 -- BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your
memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging
beside the grill, enjoying a brewski with his beer-drinking buddies.
(4) By time-honored custom, the woman remains outside a compulsory three meter
exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding
activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks
her and asks
if she would kindly some more beer while he busys himself with flipping the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE
WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and
brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts..
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
4/15/2010 QUESTIONS THAT WILL HAUNT YOU
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE
CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"..... BUT IT'S ONLY A
"PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES
YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT
WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES
WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at
things on the ground?
WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?
THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO
A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID
SONG ABOUT
HIM?
CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A
COCONUT,
WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL
FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP,
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM
VEGETABLES,
WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM
MORONS?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE,
BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY YOU GAVE ME YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS IN THE
FIRST
PLACE?
4/14/2010 BANANAS & MILKDUDS
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's
Most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway,
John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity,
Let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam .
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.
I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would
Be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach ..
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks
Like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
Finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles
Dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the
Other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
Voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?)
Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.
Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting
For him to say, 'We have liftoff'.
Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
Weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.
I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked
Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
'Bananas,' he said.
'For the potassium?' I asked.
'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up
As they do going down.'
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
Sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.
But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had
Instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened
Me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out
Of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
Unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,
And Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up In minutes we were firing nose
Up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails.
We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and
Dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.
We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
Which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
Against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs.. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
Stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice.. I was coated in sweat. At one point,
As we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock
Bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I
Was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person
In history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,
Or Norman making a five-iron bite.. But now I really know 'cool'.
Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.
I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm
glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever
makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said
he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd
send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
'Two Bags.'
God Bless America
4/13/2010 A SHORT LOVE? STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, who were both married to other
people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the
lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Miss,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.’ I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married.'
'Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied. ...........'Get your own
blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
4/12/2010 The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"
4/11/2010 -- GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our
country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
North Dakota
Wyoming
Colorado
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So.
4/10/2010 -- What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the
instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other.."
He then addressed the men 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered Gold Medal-All-
Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.........
4/9/2010 -- How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated
way.
2 . How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except
one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him
in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have
a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got
several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
4/8/2010 -- TO: THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
(If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!)
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about
how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five
miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda,
yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I
was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and
how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
_________________________________
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card
catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it
would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the
parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape
decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the
tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody
else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't
know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D
graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were
screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over
to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
you spoiled little rats.
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use
the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're
spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
_________________________________
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
4/7/2010 Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a
second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from
the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's
dog around..
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
4/6/2010 The Chief and the New Guy
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman & barked
at him,"Get over here! What's your name sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart
pansy crap they're teaching sailors in
boot camp nowdays,
but I don't call anyone
by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads
to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my sailors by their last names only:
Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever.
And you are to refer to me
as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's
your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling ... My name is
John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John,
here's what I want you to do...."
4/5/2010 To ponder -- Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I
dunno, why do we?
4/4/2010 To ponder -- Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of
a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
4/3/2010 To ponder -- Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
4/2/2010 To ponder -- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4/1/2010 To ponder -- Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
3/31/2010 To ponder -- How come abbreviated is such a long word?